{"id":10358,"date":"2021-04-09T05:00:04","date_gmt":"2021-04-09T12:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thewayoftheriver.com\/?p=10358"},"modified":"2021-04-06T07:36:05","modified_gmt":"2021-04-06T14:36:05","slug":"the-grace-of-ten-mistakes-a-day","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thewayoftheriver.com\/the-grace-of-ten-mistakes-a-day\/","title":{"rendered":"The Grace of Ten Mistakes A Day"},"content":{"rendered":"<p data-key=\"167\"><span data-key=\"166\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">Dear hearts \u2013 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p data-key=\"171\"><span data-key=\"168\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">You have read and read and read \u2013 if you read <\/span><em data-slate-mark=\"true\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">Reflections<\/span><\/em><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\"> with any regularity \u2013 me write about perfectionism. That insidious, pernicious, persistent characteristic that stops so many of us in our tracks. Okun and Smith identify perfectionism as a quality of white supremacy culture. I don\u2019t know whether I agree or not; I\u2019m steeped in white culture that has given me countless unearned benefits, as well as things that suck. It reminds me of how cissexism is bad for cisgender men, not just for everyone else. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p data-key=\"173\"><span data-key=\"172\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">Okun and Smith identify perfectionism in white supremacy culture as having some of the following characteristics:<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<ul class=\"unordered-list\" data-key=\"355\">\n<li class=\"list-item\" data-key=\"356\"><span class=\"list-item-child\" data-key=\"177\"><span data-key=\"174\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">little appreciation expressed among people for the work that others are doing; appreciation that is expressed usually directed to those who get most of the credit anyway <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"list-item\" data-key=\"410\"><span class=\"list-item-child\" data-key=\"409\"><span data-key=\"408\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">mistakes are seen as personal, i.e. they reflect badly on the person making them as opposed to being seen for what they are \u2013 mistakes <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"list-item\" data-key=\"464\"><span class=\"list-item-child\" data-key=\"463\"><span data-key=\"462\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">making a mistake is confused with <\/span><em data-slate-mark=\"true\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">being<\/span><\/em><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\"> a mistake, doing wrong with being wrong <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"list-item\" data-key=\"518\"><span class=\"list-item-child\" data-key=\"517\"><span data-key=\"516\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">little time, energy, or money put into reflection or identifying lessons learned that can improve practice, in other words little or no learning from mistakes <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"list-item\" data-key=\"603\"><span class=\"list-item-child\" data-key=\"602\"><span data-key=\"601\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">tendency to identify what\u2019s wrong; little ability to identify, name, and appreciate what\u2019s right <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"list-item\" data-key=\"666\"><span class=\"list-item-child\" data-key=\"665\"><span data-key=\"664\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">often internally felt, in other words the perfectionist fails to appreciate her own good work, more often pointing out his faults or \u2018failures,\u2019 focusing on rather than learning from them; the person works with a harsh and constant inner critic.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p data-key=\"201\">\n<p data-key=\"201\"><span data-key=\"200\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">These are only some points of their list, but these are some of the ones I really identify with. Which ones in particular?<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p data-key=\"203\"><span data-key=\"202\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">Well, there are a couple that I hadn\u2019t identified with perfectionism before, but which are essential to the experience. Those items about reflection, learning, treating mistakes as mistakes from which we can glean knowledge. I remember having a supervisor \u2013 whom I loved \u2013 who had a sign on her door that said, \u201cNever make the same mistake twice.\u201d This sign \u2013 every time I saw it \u2013 worried me. I knew that I have habits that led to making similar mistakes over and over. What did she think of me? What did it mean about me as an employee? Why was I not learning?<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p data-key=\"209\"><span data-key=\"204\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">The more familiar ones, for me at least, are the ones about <\/span><em data-slate-mark=\"true\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">being<\/span><\/em><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\"> a mistake, instead of having made a mistake. Feeling as though I am a bad person, a screw-up, essentially <\/span><em data-slate-mark=\"true\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">wrong<\/span><\/em><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\"> because I have made a mistake. The idea of learning from my mistakes was alien to me. I thought it was just something people said to make you feel better when you messed up. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p data-key=\"211\"><span data-key=\"210\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">So I\u2019ve been working with perfectionism, even just last week in \u201cThe Joy of Inefficient Ministry.\u201d Today, though, I share with you one of the greatest therapeutic tools ever given to me, particularly as an antidote to perfectionism. Yes, there is gentle, gentle, gentle persistence. And yes, there is persistent gentleness. Yes. Self-compassion is essential. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p data-key=\"215\"><span data-key=\"212\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">How does one <\/span><em data-slate-mark=\"true\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">develop<\/span><\/em><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\"> self-compassion, where mistakes are concerned?<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p data-key=\"217\"><span data-key=\"216\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">Well. My fabulous therapist of many years, Miriam, gave me an exercise that has transformed my relationship to mistakes when I remember it. It is simply called, \u201cTen Mistakes A Day.\u201d <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p data-key=\"219\"><span data-key=\"218\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">What?<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p data-key=\"221\"><span data-key=\"220\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">Yeah, you get ten mistakes a day, free and clear, no judgment, maybe some learning, but nothing punitive, nothing mean, nothing but compassion for your human self. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p data-key=\"223\"><span data-key=\"222\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">And I\u2019m not talking about accidentally knocking a cup off the counter. I\u2019m talking about genuine mistakes. Not treating someone with the care they deserve. Doing an experiment that doesn\u2019t work out as the result of a mistake you made along the way. Eating more than makes your body feel comfortable. Giving yourself a terrible pandemic haircut. (Oh, if you could only see me.)<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p data-key=\"225\"><span data-key=\"224\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">You get ten before you even start questioning them or interrogating them, at least at the time. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p data-key=\"227\"><span data-key=\"226\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">What I learned from this exercise are a couple of things:<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<ol class=\"ordered-list\" data-key=\"278\">\n<li class=\"list-item\" data-key=\"279\"><span class=\"list-item-child\" data-key=\"231\"><span data-key=\"228\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">My life is not one big mistake. I am not a mistake. I am not a failure. I may not accomplish everything I\u2019d like to, but I am not a mistake. I could offer myself compassion and just let the mistakes go. Not that I wasn\u2019t accountable for their consequences, but I could let the punitive, angry, critical voices go.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"list-item\" data-key=\"315\"><span class=\"list-item-child\" data-key=\"314\"><span data-key=\"313\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\"> I never got to ten. I don\u2019t know that I ever got to 5. I just didn\u2019t. I never got to ten. I never got to the place where I was \u201callowed\u201d to feel bad about myself. When Miriam told me about this practice, I thought, \u201cOh only ten?! This is NOT going to go well.\u201d In fact, it was a practice of offering myself grace and recognizing my humanity.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p data-key=\"237\">\n<p data-key=\"237\"><span data-key=\"236\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">So give it a shot. Ten Mistakes A Day. Let me know how it works out, and I\u2019ll keep it up too. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p data-key=\"239\"><span data-key=\"238\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">Blessings, and joy in our erring!<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p data-key=\"241\"><span data-key=\"240\"><span spellcheck=\"true\" data-slate-content=\"true\">~Catharine~<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dear hearts \u2013 You have read and read and read \u2013 if you read Reflections with any regularity \u2013 me write about perfectionism. That insidious, pernicious, persistent characteristic that stops so many of us in our tracks. Okun and Smith identify perfectionism as a quality of white supremacy culture. I don\u2019t know whether I agree [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":9036,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewayoftheriver.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10358"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewayoftheriver.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewayoftheriver.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewayoftheriver.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewayoftheriver.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10358"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/thewayoftheriver.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10358\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewayoftheriver.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9036"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewayoftheriver.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10358"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewayoftheriver.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10358"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewayoftheriver.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10358"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}