Dear ones \u2013<\/p>\n
Welcome to\u00a0the River of Uncertainty. At least, that\u2019s the River I feel as though I\u2019m traveling right now. A river that\u2019s flowing and growing in ways I can\u2019t seem to predict and that feel scary and worrisome.<\/p>\n
The world around me\/us seems to be crumbling into pieces.\u00a0Children are sick and dying crossing the border and in concentration camps in the United States.\u00a0The republican senators in my state (Oregon) have fled the state to avoid doing their jobs\u00a0by voting on a climate bill.\u00a0There has been more upheaval in my tradition of Unitarian Universalism.<\/p>\n
And while I don\u2019t want to look away from those things, I also notice that my own self is unsettled, disturbed, concerned, and in danger of feeling hopeless.\u00a0For all my talk and study and use of discernment tools, I have felt dangerously close to despair.<\/p>\n
Many emotions, thoughts, and behaviors\u00a0surface in me when I am faced with a time like this.\u00a0I find myself unable to work. I judge why I can\u2019t work. I stare at blank screens. I search for a word to share and find that I\u2019ve got nothing.<\/p>\n
Nothing for you, my beloved.<\/p>\n
One of my teacher\/coaches and colleagues, Steve Mattus,\u00a0from Actual Infinity,\u00a0wrote the following in his love notes last week:<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen you notice something moving in you – perhaps it’s fear, anger, or uncertainty – remember that this too is a part of you, and it’s here to help you.<\/p>\n
The natural inclination is to retreat away from these more uncomfortable emotions. However, what’s really happening is an invitation to come closer.\u201d<\/p>\n
What if what you notice is overwhelm?<\/p>\n
What if what you notice is procrastination?<\/p>\n
What if what you notice is \u201claziness\u201d? (Julia Cameron reminds us that there are no \u201clazy artists, only blocked artists.\u201d)<\/p>\n
What if what you notice is anger and frustration?<\/p>\n
What if what you notice is a sense of emptiness?\u00a0Of loneliness?<\/p>\n
I prefer to hide from these emotions and run away. I like to dive into the hole of my work and lose myself in attention-\u201cdeficit\u201d\u00a0hyperfocus\u00a0when I can. To push through. To show myself and others that I have a \u201cgood work ethic.\u201d<\/p>\n
Such bullshit.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s all such bullshit.<\/p>\n
Laziness does not exist, my friends.\u00a0What Steve says above is\u00a0absolutely true\u2026all that you feel is an invitation to come\u00a0closer, not to run away into judgments of your character or pushing through. Calling yourself lazy is just a judgment. It\u2019s not a feeling. It\u2019s the thought that you\u2019re not worthy of care. It is a judgment that invites punishment.<\/p>\n
What happens if we invite\u00a0our senses of inadequacy, frustration, and judgment to come closer. What might they tell us?<\/p>\n
An exercise that can be very effective, though also scary (and get the support you need if you need it), is to ASK one\u2019s thoughts what they\u2019re about.<\/p>\n
Are they trying to protect you from something?<\/p>\n
Are they concealing something?<\/p>\n
Is there something utterly not work-related that you need to do before you can move forward?<\/p>\n
Is this a work issue or a spiritual or relational issue?<\/p>\n
What is called for?<\/p>\n
Sometimes the answer is SO much simpler than we think. If we\u2019re tangled up and stuck, maybe we just need to turn to something else for a bit. If we\u2019re hungry or thirsty, for heaven\u2019s sake, let us eat or drink. If we need a nap (and we\u2019re one of those people who can nap) let us lie down for a while.<\/p>\n
My wife says that if we all just treated ourselves like cherished\u00a0toddlers\u00a0we\u2019d be so much better off. She\u2019s right, right?!<\/p>\n
Enough sleep.<\/p>\n
Enough water.<\/p>\n
Enough gentle, respectful touch.<\/p>\n
Enough food.<\/p>\n
Enough warmth and coolness.<\/p>\n
Enough music and enough\u00a0paint.<\/p>\n
Learning how to name one\u2019s feelings and figure out what to do with them.<\/p>\n
If we\u2019d just treat ourselves with the care and tenderness that toddlers need and deserve (and even, in some families, get), I think we\u2019d be much better off.<\/p>\n
But the only way we can do that, the only way we can get to \u201cwhat does my toddler\u00a0self need?\u201d is by inviting the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings to come closer. Closer. Closer still.\u00a0Listen close, close, close to what they are saying and why.<\/p>\n
And then we need to use that skill that lucky, cherished, blessed toddlers ultimately grow to learn\u2014we need to identify and name our feelings and act responsibly.<\/p>\n
Perhaps, given these times, getting in touch with our own cherished toddlers will lead us to an outrage that can act on behalf of others.<\/p>\n
Or perhaps our very own communities.<\/p>\n
Perhaps the watersheds where we live.<\/p>\n
Perhaps our very own toddlers. Not just our inner ones, but the ones we hold close to us, skin to skin, heart to heart.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t yet know what my feelings of overwhelm, my behaviors of procrastination, or my judgments of \u201claziness\u201d are telling me. But I\u2019m listening.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m trying. And that\u2019s all any of us can do until we know what\u00a0is ours\u00a0to do, know how it is that we are to act.<\/p>\n
So tonight, as I write to you, my dear ones, I will move from here into asking my own self, my own\u00a0toddlerself, my feelings and beliefs what they\u2019re trying to do for me and how I can respond to them.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s what I\u2019m going to do.<\/p>\n
And it\u2019s what I\u2019ve got.<\/p>\n
So much love, even in these times of uncertainty\u2014<\/p>\n
~Catharine~<\/p>\n
PS \u2013 If you\u2019ve got a few bucks extra to rub together, you might consider donating them to\u00a0RAICES<\/a>. Their mission is\u00a0to help separated families, detained families,\u00a0unaccompanied minors, and others who are seeking asylum in the United States.<\/p>\n PPS \u2013 Remember that\u00a0Making Hard Choices<\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0Tarot for Discernment<\/a>\u00a0are coming up in August and September, and I\u2019m happy to answer any questions you have about them. I\u2019d really, really love to see you there. Does your\u00a0toddlerself\u00a0need some help?\u00a0Making Hard Choices<\/a>, in particular, may\u00a0have some helpful tools to\u00a0help.<\/p>\n