Friends,\u00a0I am in a mood. I am in a mood and I\u2019m going to write\u2014yes again, now sit\u00a0down!\u2014about niceness, about yes and no, and about seduction, persuasion, cajoling, coercion, and assault.\u00a0Yepper, that\u2019s what\u2019s on the menu today.<\/p>\n
I write for the nice ones among us,\u00a0and\u00a0<\/strong><\/em>I write for those who have not always heard or attended to the words behind the words of nice people.<\/p>\n Not only\u00a0am I writing this, but\u00a0it\u2019s something I wrote about not even that long ago. But\u00a0I have heard, loud and clear, that it is something I must write about again. There is\u00a0apparently\u00a0always more, always more to the dangers of niceness and to anything less than yeses that mean yes and\u00a0nos\u00a0that mean no.<\/p>\n I wrote about niceness some time ago, and I received some lovely and important notes back. One of those, from our comrade the Rev. Judy Welles, reminded me that \u201cNo is a complete sentence.\u201d And someone else reminded me that someone can be saying no by saying, \u201cI don\u2019t want to\u2026\u201d \u201cI\u2019m not going to\u2026\u201d or \u201cI can\u2019t\u2026\u201d\u00a0Or even by saying, \u201cI\u2019m not sure\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n This is\u00a0not<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0news. This is nothing to bellow from the rooftops of Southwest Portland,\u00a0to\u00a0yell and shout my \u201cbarbaric yawp\u201d about.<\/p>\n Except it\u00a0kinda\u00a0is. And not only for those of us who do these things, who fall back into niceness.<\/p>\n It\u2019s also news for some of us, those of us who would un-build the patriarchy, brick by brick, even\u00a0when\u00a0we benefit from it. It\u2019s also news for those of us who need to learn to check in, to see whether something we\u2019re not clear about is an attempt to set a boundary or\u00a0just to plain\u00a0say no.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t get me wrong. I believe that everyone who receives\u00a0Reflections<\/em>\u00a0in our inboxes is an adult. And adults are responsible for using our words, yes, and for\u00a0being clear.\u00a0And for setting our own boundaries so that others know what those boundaries are and have the chance, at least, to respect them.<\/p>\n I have the obligation to say no when I mean no.<\/p>\n And that obligation is wrapped up in years and decades of training that tell people,\u00a0tell me and\u00a0often\u00a0other\u00a0(though not exclusively) people assigned female at birth, that we must never say no when someone else wants something. Anything, really. Time. Energy. Bodies. Life force. Expertise. Money.<\/p>\n I have the obligation to try as hard as I can to unlearn\u00a0all of this.<\/p>\n To unlearn\u00a0what our comrade Molly was indicating toward when they said that \u201cmaybe\u201d more often than not really means, in our heart of hearts, \u201cno.\u201d<\/p>\n And what is THAT about?! I mean, really?!<\/p>\n I do it. I say, \u201cmaybe\u201d when I should say \u201cno.\u201d I say that I \u201ccan\u2019t\u201d have a social engagement, rather than, \u201cI really don\u2019t feel like it.\u201d I feel as though I\u00a0have\u00a0to\u00a0explain myself when I just want time with myself or time with my wife or unscheduled time or I just. don\u2019t. feel. like. it.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t have to explain myself, friends, and neither do you.<\/p>\n Oh, and then there\u2019s the kind of no that is so easily overruled: the \u201cno\u201d of the intoxicated. The \u201cI really don\u2019t think this is a good idea,\u201d which means, \u201cI\u2019m ambivalent,\u201d which means \u201cI\u2019m not sure,\u201d which really, friends, at the very least should be a yellow light, if not a red one. A time to stop, to check in\u2014is this person, this one saying, \u201cI really don\u2019t think this is a good idea\u2026\u201d\u2014are they conscious enough to make a good decision on their own behalf.<\/p>\n Are they conscious enough to\u00a0offer<\/em>\u00a0a good decision on\u00a0your\u00a0<\/em>behalf.<\/p>\n What on earth does\u00a0that<\/em>\u00a0mean?<\/p>\n It means,\u00a0Beloved, that some of us have committed assault.\u00a0It means if someone\u2019s not offering you a yes that\u00a0is clearly a YES,\u00a0you\u00a0must\u00a0consider whether they\u00a0can\u00a0give it to you.<\/p>\n Some of us reading this right now have ignored \u201cno,\u201d and ploughed ahead, and that\u2019s just plain, clear as the nose on your face, rape,\u00a0yes it is. Some of us. Some of us. Some of\u00a0us<\/em>.<\/p>\n We all know people who have committed rape. I would venture to say that we\u2019re probably all\u00a0friends<\/em>\u00a0with someone who has committed rape.\u00a0There are people reading this right now who have committed rape.\u00a0Rape,\u00a0which\u00a0is to say, having sex with someone\u00a0who did not or\u00a0could not\u00a0give<\/em> their consent.<\/p>\n Beyond that, some of us have also taken advantage, have ignored what would be clear if we had bothered to read the body language of the person we were with. And some of us have just pushed and pushed and coerced and cajoled until \u201cI\u2019m not going to\u2026\u201d or \u201cI don\u2019t want to\u2026\u201d turned into a giving over because it was more trouble to keep trying to tell us no than it was to just get it over with.<\/p>\n Yes, some of us here, have assaulted or been party to the assault of another human being. I mean, this list is over 400 people long. I cannot help thinking of the numbers. One in three women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime, and one in six men. And if I could guess, I\u2019d say that a\u00a0whooooooole\u00a0lot of trans people are sexually assaulted over their lifetimes. (Given how many trans women, especially,\u00a0are murdered each year,\u00a0it just makes a terrible kind of sense.)<\/p>\n That\u2019s a lot of people, and there are people doing the assaulting, not listening or watching or attending or caring about the \u201cno\u201d that comes in so many forms.<\/p>\n We need to learn to let our no be no and our yes be yes, that is true. That is\u00a0absolutely true. And yet, that admonition does not justify so much that is justified by the press, by the courts,\u00a0or\u00a0by the courts of popular opinion.<\/p>\n Because what about when one is intoxicated or exhausted or drugged, then what?<\/p>\n Then there may be only the\u00a0ineffectual\u00a0pushing away. The\u00a0attempts to\u00a0cover\u00a0oneself. The being frozen by fear.\u00a0The \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d or the \u201cI don\u2019t think this is a good idea.\u201d\u00a0Or the one that makes my throat tighten and my hands feel cold, the plain old being passed out.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s some news for you, friends:\u00a0If in a sexual situation, if it\u2019s anything less than a yes, you are pulling some shit. If you\u2019re with someone you love and it\u2019s been a long time and so\u00a0you can badger them into it and you know it, it\u2019s manipulation,\u00a0at best. If you\u2019re dating someone and they want to slow down in the middle of things and you say, \u201cCome on, baby, it\u2019s okay,\u201d it\u2019s not okay.<\/p>\n Both sets of\u00a0these\u00a0things are true. Adults need to let our yes be yes and our no be no.<\/p>\n And shouldn\u2019t even taking the risk that you might be demanding sexual attention from someone who doesn\u2019t want to, doesn\u2019t feel like it, is\u00a0too tired to care\u2026shouldn\u2019t that be enough to stop you in your tracks? And if it doesn\u2019t, if you have some fucked-up idea about \u201cconjugal rights\u201d or some shit, then you need to stop right now and think about what you\u2019re doing.<\/p>\n I say these things because both the trans and cis women as well as the non-binary people I know have put up with some serious shit and it needs to stop.<\/p>\n Rape at knife point.<\/p>\n Multiple rapes while too intoxicated to say yes or no.<\/p>\n Multiple counts of statutory rape.<\/p>\n Too many instances of in-relationship coercion for me to even imagine or count.<\/p>\n And let me tell you, on that that last\u00a0one in particular, am\u00a0I sure\u00a0I<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0have always listened? Always paid\u00a0attention?\u00a0Always watched\u00a0or asked or checked in? No. I am not sure.<\/p>\n Where do seduction, persuasion, cajoling, coercion, and assault\u00a0blend into one another?<\/p>\n I am not sure. And that does stop me in my tracks.\u00a0Because they do blur and blend, let\u2019s be real.<\/p>\n But there are some lines, and those of us who are on the \u2026 the \u201cpursuing\u201d end of things \u2026 we need to be paying closer attention to where those lines are.<\/p>\n So\u00a0let\u2019s all of us, all of us here at The Way of the River, whatever our pasts may be, let\u2019s make a pact. For one thing, let\u2019s practice our no being our no and our yes being our yes.\u00a0Yep. Let\u2019s do that.\u00a0And let us\u00a0also\u00a0never, ever ignore\u00a0our sexual partners, whether they are\u00a0the people we are closest to\u00a0in body for just one night, or closest\u00a0over years\u00a0in heart and soul. Let us never ignore what\u00a0might<\/em>\u00a0be a no in favor of our own desires telling us, \u201cOh, it\u2019s fine.\u201d<\/p>\n Pinky\u00a0swear? Yeah, friend, pinky swear.<\/p>\n Because it\u2019s not fine, dude. It\u2019s not fine.<\/p>\n This cranky lecture brought to you by me, who loves you, yes, all of you.<\/p>\n ~Catharine~<\/p>\n PS\u00a0\u2013\u00a0After all this, all this pent-up\u00a0outrage\u00a0and frustration and desire for change, sometimes it can feel as though the life of the Spirit just doesn\u2019t hardly matter at\u00a0all. But it does. Turning toward Love always matters. Turning toward the One Who is Many, who is all genders and none and any individual\u2014that turning always matters.\u00a0And I always welcome the chance to help you make that turn.<\/p>\n So\u00a0please know,\u00a0especially<\/em>\u00a0if you are part of what our comrade Rhodes Perry calls the \u201cRainbow Family,\u201d but which I generally identify as the queer community\u2026. Please know\u00a0most<\/em>\u00a0especially if you are a trans or non-binary or gender non-conforming person, I am here for you. I am here for you and for the depth of the\u00a0spiritual\u00a0feeling\u00a0that\u00a0is in you that you cannot even\u00a0describe.<\/p>\n I am here for you,\u00a0you\u00a0who yearn for Something or Someone, but who don\u2019t feel as though there\u2019s any space or place that\u2019s safe enough to explore that yearning.<\/p>\n